Bad Break
Posted on 01 Jun 2022 @ 9:52am by Lieutenant Tobias Hirsh & Lieutenant Jai Terys
Mission:
M3 - Into the Deep
Location: OC, Counseling Office
Timeline: MD 1, Midday
1631 words - 3.3 OF Standard Post Measure
Jai's office was spacious, the furniture arrayed to present plenty of walking room yet a calming uncluttered feel that he hoped with the light decor, the shelves of books, a qualification or two dotted behind his desk. He wanted his office to be a welcoming one, one where people didn't feel confined to a place because of furniture but one were they could move about, change seating position or location. He had several chairs, double chairs even a 3 person long sofa. A large beanbag sat in the corner, a large plan in the other corner for some colour and a table in the middle with a chilled bottle of water and several glasses around it.
Tobias was big for the standards of a man. Ox-like in his Grazerite way. They were a race of varied ruminant-like people, generally horned and having either thick hide or slightly velveteen hair. Tobias was a strapping male specimen of his kind, with powerful shoulders. The end of one of his curving horns was broken off at an uneven angle. If he had been the average Grazerite who covered his horns to signify peace, no one would have known about the break. But he never covered his horns. Not since the incident. His expression was gentle and, at the moment, somewhat troubled as if he were trying to work something out inside.
“It was over two years ago,” Tobias tried to recount, looking down into his leathery palms as he worked one hand with the other, slowly. His voice was a low pitch, just as anyone would expect to look at his thick neck and broad jaw. It was almost impossible he could have sounded any other way. But as powerful as he could have sounded, instead he spoke very soft and mellow, as if trying not to frighten someone. Primarily… himself. "It was over two years ago." He repeated, as if he hadn't said it the first time.
For Jai, listening was just as essential as acting but he also had to make sure his patient didn't stay stuck in the moment. Progress and development were a forward movement and that had to be maintained even if only slowly. "Can you tell me what happened two years ago?" Jai asked, the point was, if the patient was comfortable doing so was to say the issue aloud and not be afraid of it. To hear it spoken and not feel judged for it but listened to.
"I was in the Grazerite Defense Force. They sent me to a new detachment on a colony where I was to begin work on the planetary defense systems as my first senior assignment. Fieldmont Colony, in the Jaranti System, by Grazerite naming conventions. Nine thousand, six hundred, and twelve souls had settled so far, with thousands more pledged to settle that year. I would have been the nine thousand six-hundred and thirteenth to be officially logged as a resident when I reported to my station..." He seemed to stare off through a wall.
Jai listened as the picture was painted before him, he could sense the burden was heavy but in order to deal with it, it had to be faced.
"Sometimes... sometimes I think they must have followed my convoy. I wonder if it was my fault. If I gave us away some how from a stray comm signal, or a misalignment in the ship systems." His low voice dropped to a whisper. "I wasn't in Fieldmont long enough to register myself before the attack began."
"In any conflict, there are many casualties, aside from the living." Jai began. "You have mentioned just now many 'if's', possible causes, self-doubts. Second-guessing is easy after a fact but you should focus on the facts. Maybe they did follow the convoy, maybe they didn't. Comm signal or not, a ship's system or not, at the end of the day that can't be known for certain. If it were, you'd have said something else just now or used different words."
Jai took a small breath before he continued. "You can't change what happened, it's one of life's facets that things happen for a reason and it's not always clear what that reason is. You can't blame or torture yourself for what happened. Unless you can stand there and put your hand up, admit you were the cause, then you shouldn't place the burden of blame on your shoulders."
The big man slowly nodded in agreement. "I know, you're right. Besides, Fieldmont didn't have that level of security. But it should have. No Grazerite homes are secure." He opened his big hands in a kind of explanatory way, unsure if his new counselor understood his people's culture. "Our greatest virtue is Peace. What I learned is that Peace, the Grazerite kind, is not strength. It's vulnerability. From childhood we are told stories of self-sacrificing heroes who stand up and negotiate or talk down a fight, or else die to change the course of a dispute. But I... I survived the attack by hiding."
Tobias knew his counselor was a Betazoid and appreciated that the man was avoiding asking him to divulge specifics about the attack, as other health professionals had. Who attacked and how was classified. He could only speak personally. Jai seemed to be intuiting it without Tobias explaining it, instead focusing on his persistent guilt. "I watched everyone around me die. My leg was messed up. I was in pain from this as well," Tobias motioned to the break in his horn. "Shrapnel from air bombing. But a fatally wounded mother handed me her child and... I couldn't. I couldn't lay down and die with the rest. I limped and dragged myself the rest of the way to an old underground science station hatch and laid low with the child as long as I could."
Jai listened to every word spoken and considered his response accordingly. "There will always be those out there that view peace as a weakness, look at the Klingons for example. Vulnerability is a broad term though, it takes strength to hold onto your ideals, it's noble to strive for peace, look at the Vulcans for example but their history is not as violent free as they act today."
A slight shift in his chair before he continued. "Peace comes in all kinds of forms, you took the child and kept her safe from an otherwise certain demise there and then. So you hid, sought shelter, there is no shame in that, but you had a child, a helpless and defenseless child with you and at that moment you became her peace." Jai paused for a moment. "You provided peace to another, when you had little of your own."
Tobias rubbed his face over with his hand as if he could clear his mind. "I don't know if I would have tried for it without the child." He admitted. "Maybe, in a way, she saved me."
"In all walks of life there are moments of doubt, second-guessing, hindsight. People wonder on what ifs, ponder on maybe's and while to a point it's a healthy thing, people become trapped in it, embroiled in it. There is nothing wrong with wondering, but don't let that define who you are now. Learn from it yes, but don't let it shape the person you are today." Jai paused but for a moment before he resumed.
"What happened is a part of you, a part of your past but it comprises a small part of the person you are today. Life is an ocean of experiences, some we are fortunate to experience, other will elude us our entire lives. What's important however is you live in the here and now, in the moment and not let the shackles and burdens of the past weigh you down, coming to a stop leads to nowhere."
The patient worked his thick jaw a little, almost as if chewing on the offered insight. A low hum was all he could settle on in response, though he supposed the telepath could likely sense his mixed reception of the warning against letting the experience shape him; there was no purpose in denying his disagreement. "Be that as it may, the event is the reason I find myself where I am today, and not just in my own internal sense. Even my posting follows out of the experience. Every day, I must dwell on the details of the encounter. I arrived too late to build the defense network for Fieldmont. It must not be lost in vain."
"Seems to me that you have everything you need to move forward. The past as a motivation, a reminder. The present to strive to put things right, to make sure it's not lost in vain, the future is what only you can make of it." Jai spoke. As he saw it Tobias had all he needed, sometimes a little push was needed, other times it just needed a little arrangement of the piece by someone else for the puzzle to finally take some medium of shape.
It was reassuring to hear coming from another, even if so much of everything still felt out of focus. "You won't mind if I speak with you regularly, Counselor? I don't want to be a burden, but it does help, if nothing else, to thresh ones thoughts."
"If you need to make an appointment you can do so through the computer or the officer outside, it should be no problem at all." Jai spoke glad that he was at least for his first patient able to help, even if it was but a start.
"Thank you, Counselor." The grazerite lifted himself and saw himself to the door, leaving space for the next patient to fill the seat.